Updated: Feb 20
Hi friend :)
It's always been strange for me to talk about myself. I'm the type of person that didn't want to stand out or be the center of attention which caused me to try and melt into the crowd. I didn't enjoy birthday parties because I always dreaded the cake/happy birthday aspect. I'd pull myself away and act "too cool" to be sung to and reluctantly blow out my candles.
I've channeled my interest based on my older sisters' interests: cooking, makeup, clothes, and nails. I didn't hone in as intensely as they did, but one thing I did get into was watching cooking videos on YouTube. That was my jam. I found comfort in watching people cook, learning new ingredients, and learning cooking styles/cutting techniques.
I use (and still do) YouTube as my cable. I went on a subscription spree and wanted to indulge in all the content I could find. One day it was peaceful cooking with no speaking instructions; watching lifestyle vlogs in New York City/Positano/Seoul, ASMR mukbang, then mukbang true crime. (Shout out Stephanie Soo, love you biss).
I thoroughly enjoyed watching content creators vlogs; it felt like we were hanging out. I didn't really need to keep my eyes glued on the screen, and I could make laundry or prep dinner.
As I was consuming all this "TV," I started to feel out of touch with myself. I watch several LA-based vloggers. Let's call one of them Anne. I felt like Anne had this magical, elegant, stress-free life. If you asked anyone if you wanted Annes' life, anyone would say, hell yes, I want Annes' life.
At that point, I didn't know what I wanted for myself. Did I only want those things because I enjoy watching their videos, and I eventually wanted those things too? Was I exposed to something that just became part of my identity times?
Surely I knew myself well enough to distinguish the two, or did I?
Before and during the pandemic, I knew I wanted to explore new interests and create new hobbies. From what I recall, those were:
In a nutshell, cross stitching and sketching did not stick.
For the longest time, ever since I was a growing girl. I wanted to gain weight. Oh, I tried to gain weight so bad! I wanted to be average, not below. I remember finally hitting 100 lbs at the beginning of 2020, and that was a massive milestone for me. I felt solid and wanted to take it to the next step.
I quickly learned that if you want to know something about anything--YouTube it. I got sucked into the world of bikini body-building competitions. I was enamored by the beautiful yet sculpted bodies on the internet. I saved videos and watched several ladies' "8-weeks out", "16-weeks out", "day of" competition journeys.
The moment you've been waiting for. When I finally take the step to my bikini competition journey!
No big deal. Home workouts? In the bag. Food? Eaten. Fret none, said Soods.
I dropped off. I eventually was not interested. I had no interest in anything. I felt like a regular-ass fish in the sea of bored individuals.
This is getting long. LOL, let's fast forward.
Meditation was introduced to me by my husband. He was already doing them and wanted to do them with me, but I just couldn't get into it at the time. Once I committed to really trying it out, we dipped our toes in a few different guided meditations. My favorite was NSDRs (Non-Sleep Deep Rest). We used them during the day and liked them so much we eventually used them to fall asleep (we ignored the 'non' part).
I've always heard journaling is a great outlet to reflect and be more introspective. It also was a written record of what happened throughout the year (which I felt was passing way too fast). I bought a $17 notebook off Amazon and wrote. I YouTube'd journaling prompts for self-growth and tips on not complaining in your entries. I feel life has been busy where I need to carve time to write. Sometimes it feels more like a chore than an escape.
Tangible Wellness. What a gym. I really found my footing and myself at this gym. I've created new friendships, broke out of my comfort zone, and stopped caring if someone was watching me. From there, I met a personal trainer who thought I'd be a perfect candidate for bikini competitions. Long story short, I am on that journey now and will update you later on my feelings. :)
I hope you enjoyed reading a bit about me and hope you stay for more blog entries!